OK.

This shit is getting out of hand. The trendlines are clear: they’ll get worse until someone stops them. Don’t take my word for it. Listen to Field Negro:

Seems the Somali Pirates done went and jacked a Saudi super tanker with about 100 million dollars worth of oil, and the Royal Family ain’t too pleased about it. “Prince Saud Al-Faisal said: “Piracy, like terrorism, is a disease which is against everybody, and everybody must address it together. …This outrageous act by the pirates, I think, will only reinforce the resolve of the countries of the Red Sea and internationally to fight piracy,” Well yeah; Prince, they are pirates…and I think everyone would agree that they are a problem. But I am not sure about the everybody “together” part. Remember how we dealt with our last Pirate problem in this country? We hung old Captain Nathaniel Gordon in the Tombs of New York for trying to smuggle 962 slaves ( a third of who died) into the country during the height of the Civil War. So we don’t play with Pirates in this country. Fortunately, we don’t have those types of things happening off the coast of Florida or California; at least not yet.

And I can’t say that I blame the Prince for being upset. One hundred million is nothing to sneeze at, even for the Saudis. But who told these Negroes that they can play Black Beard in 2008? And don’t these countries have Naval fleets to protect their commercial ships? al Qaeda could learn a thing or two from these Negroes. They are serious about the booty, and I don’t mean the ones on BET.

I’m glad that Field Negro is here to remind us of how to deal with slavers and pirates. These are not Pirates of the Caribbean. These are not privateers. These are not Coach Leach’s favorite pirates (with all the references to homosexuality painstakingly crossed out). No, these are pirate-pirates and it’s time for them to die.

The US Navy was created to fight pirates in March of 1794, specifically the Barbary Pirates, who enslaved more than a million Europeans and Americans before they were shut down. They raided as far away as Ireland and Iceland, taking whole towns captive and selling them as slaves. The US fought two wars, and they left us alone. The Europeans shelled Tripoli twice, and finally France occupied that part of north Africa, and that was it.

And so now, again, Africa, that hive of misery, that womb of misfortune, has outshone even the Malacca Straight in piracy. They’re holding almost 300 people hostage right now, most of them from the Philippines. They have millions of gallons of oil. They have RPG’s. They just seized 33 Soviet T-72 tanks.

Fuck.

It’s time to blow some shit up. I have two recommendations.

First: gunboat diplomacy. The pirates are acting under the protection of the regional Somali government of the province of Puntland. No, I did not make that up. Fine. Puntland? Meet the USS Iowa. USS Iowa? Do your thing:

Second: Trojan BOOM. Fill an old freighter with ammonium perchlorate, and then set it off when the fuckers try to board it. “What is ammonium perchlorate,” I hear you ask? Ammonium perchlorate is the shit that does this:

Fuck you, pirates! You go to hell and you die!

OK, so why am I advocating mass destruction against these guys? Simple: Somalia is a failed state. It creates the space in which none of the usual sublimations of direct conflict are operative. It’s an animal condition. The pirates are demonstrating that and will continue to do so until they receive some negative feedback. I understand that the Somali pirates used to be Somali fishermen until they realized that piracy could make them more money, but they’re still pirates, regardless of their sad backstory, and they just went to war with India. If you pay them off, they’ll just buy more weapons and come back bigger and stronger, attacking bigger targets. You know, like a Very Large Crude Carrier? And look what else they’re spending the money on:

“They wed the most beautiful girls; they are building big houses; they have new cars; new guns,” he says.

“Piracy in many ways is socially acceptable. They have become fashionable.”

Most of them are aged between 20 and 35 years – in it for the money. …

Such success is a great attraction for Puntland’s youngsters, who have little hope of alternative careers in the war-torn country.

Once a pirate makes his fortune, he tends to take on a second and third wife – often very young women from poor nomadic clans, who are renowned for their beauty.

But not everyone is smitten by Somalia’s new elite.

“This piracy has a negative impact on several aspects of our life in Garowe,” resident Mohamed Hassan laments.

He cites an escalating lack of security because “hundreds of armed men” are coming to join the pirates.

The appeal of just taking shit by force loses its luster when you have to clean up what’s left of your buddies with a sponge and a bucket.

So, we can talk about draining the swamp … later. Changing the political ecosystem of Somalia is a laudable, long-term project. But there’s a mad dog loose right now, and it’s time it was shot.

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